Friday, January 18, 2008

You've gotta love prom season

Or...I clearly had too much time on my hands last night.

I'll be the first to admit this: I'm not a girly kind of girl, and I'm horrible when it comes to fashion. Not that there's anything wrong with being girly and fashionable...There are days when I know it would be extremely useful to have some kind of fashion sense. It's just not me. I wear blue jeans most of the time, except for in the summer when I switch to khaki shorts. I like a nicely tailored shirt. I wear my hair straight with no fuss. If I'm wearing mascara, a little blush, and Chapstick, I think I have on makeup. I don't often carry a purse, but if I have my purse, don't ask me for tissues, a comb, or chewing gum. I simply don't have those fashionable supply-carrying traits.

There are no pairs of pantyhose in my dresser drawers. I buy shoes only under extreme duress (except running shoes - those are easy), and when I do buy shoes I usually hate them after wearing them once or twice and then I go back to my sneaks and my loafers.

OK, so you get my point.

This has frustrated my family over the years, but they've learned to live with me and work around me, and even to find humor in my deficiencies.

So...nothing is more foreign to me than the catalogs that we get in the mail during Prom Dress Buying Time. I just don't get it...but luckily I have a teenage daughter to help me navigate these waters. Dangerous waters. Expensive waters. And although she's more girly than I am, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and even though we start off saying "Ooooo, Prom Dresses", we end up laughing ourselves silly and wondering WTF the photographers and models were going for when they shot the catalog.

The first of many Prom catalogs arrived yesterday, and we were gleeful! But as we started looking through it, well, as usual, something was just off. Before I get all snarky, please realize that I think most of these dresses are stunning and I could only dream of looking as beautiful as these models in one of these creations. But the way they market them - well, it's perplexing. So this one we'll call the ANGST catalog, where all of the models try to look as aggravated and p.o.'d as possible.

Exhibit One:

(OK honey, just look like you want to rip my face off. There. That's it! Perfect!) Ruffly: This prom is lame. I refuse to go inside. I refuse to have any fun at all.

Flouncy: Me too. I dare them to make me have fun. In fact, I double-dare them.

Exhibit 2:

Purple-y: Listen, I know for certain that we ordered the Vegan meals. I understand that it wasn't one of the meal choices, but you should make an exception. And it's certainly none of your business that we're all wearing leather shoes and have animal tested hair product in our hair. Just give me my freakin' food! My daddy paid good money for this.

Brown-y: I could snap you in half.

Maroon-y: And I would enjoy watching her do it.

Exhibit 3

Standing Girl: Why oh why haven't our dates picked us up yet? I told them: Meet us on the beach by the deadest looking trees you can find. I guess I'll just keep looking wistfully to the North.

Reclining Girl: You really are too much. It looks like you've screwed up another prom night for us. I might as well take a load off and I won't even worry about snagging my dress on this dirty old driftwood tree because we're obviously going to miss prom again. Oh joy. And the approaching rainstorm is perfect. Just perfect.

And besides angst, there are the photos that are just plain weird. Like this one:

Exhibit 4: What has happened to my feet? Just how in hell do you expect me to dance feet that are on the wrong legs? Please put them back in their proper places.

Exhibit Five: Blondie:I told you to eat something this week. Now look at you. I hope you don't think I'm going to stand here holding you up all night.
Skinny: Your dress looks like cake. Yummy, yummy cake.

And finally, Exibit Six:
Come along my little darlings, I said I'd find you some little dates and that's just what I'm going to do or my name isn't Gianty Giantess.


  1. I"m pretty sure I never got a catalog like this and I AM PISSED! I mean, these look like serious fun!

  2. I'm so ungirly and out of touch that I didn't even know prom catalogs existed!

  3. Wow. Prom dress catalogs. What a concept.

    I loved your commentary.

    Back in the dark ages, my mom actually made my prom dress.

  4. I have to agree with you ... none of these girls look like they are having any fun.

    I'm with you on the girly ... I usually only wear makeup when I dress up (which I enjoy but don't do on a regular basis).

  5. I didn't even know they had prom dress catalogs! I only had a son. But you would fit in so well making comments on 'Go Fug Yourself'-link on my blog (judging celebrities clothing).
    I had to be a girly girl to stand out in a family of one girl and 3 boys. I got teased with what I wore, etc. Don't get me wrong, if I don't have to wear makeup I don't-but if I got out of the house, I don't want to scare anyone! ; )

  6. You kill me! Too funny! I would like to know if any of those catalogues explain what the deal is with the crinkly, bunchy skirts. They're just awful.

    Also, I bet Busty McBusterson, the girl in the purple dress, is wondering if her prom date likes her dress, or her two friends inside the dress.

  7. Love the prom commentary! :)

  8. Hahaha.....Ahahahahah......HAHAHHAHAHAH. Seriously funny! This is too funny! -> "Brown-y: I could snap you in half". PMSL"

    Giganty Giantess, lol.

    The way you describe your taste your clothing of choice....that could have been my writing it. Right down to the chapstick and straight hair. LOL.

    I don't 'do' dresses and skirts. I own 15+ pairs of blue jeans though :D

    The only addition I would make would be that this winter I've lived in my Ugg boots. Beyond that, we're like twins....right down to the cutting, snarky humour! :D

  9. OMG! So funny. My 16 year old (prom bound) daughter and I had a good laugh. Many thanks.
    Pam O.

  10. Is this what I have to look forward to??? Oh my word, I will be hysterical if I get one of these catalogs in a few years. I can see DD now. Not one of these dresses will suit her especially those puffy layered things that remind me of drapes in a funeral home. LOL Thanks for the laugh tonight, Lee. Right now I am grateful I just have to deal with a tux in the next couple of years. :)

  11. LOL. I did not know there were such things as prom dress catalogs. Your commentary was wonderful.

    I pretty much live in jeans and sweatpants in the winter and shorts and fip flops in the summer.

    Great reading about the prom dresses.

  12. OMG. I love the commentary. Hopefully my daughter will be a miracle and be somewhat fashionable as I am absolutely not. LOL.