It's the most wonderful time of the year: Part One

Yes my friends, it's Prom Dress Catalog Time!  It's time for the many designers of formal wear to trot out their most absurd and tasteless creations and dress their lovely models. Then they photograph them in questionable poses and place them in ridiculous scenery.  If you have even one single solitary snarky bone in your body, you have to love prom dress catalog time.

Last year I didn't do a Prom Dress post, because my daughter (and partner in sarcasm) was away for college and my heart just wasn't in it.  When she was in high school and living at home, I'd run home from the post office with the latest catalog and then we'd sit at the kitchen table and cackle like maniacs. It just wasn't the same without her.

But now?  I'm doing it.  And if she'd care to comment on any of the photos, I'll bet she can outdo my sarcasm easily.

Shall we start?  I think we should begin with the ever-popular Animal theme. 

Here we have a lovely animal print....um....dress?  With it's matching red belt and it's short tutu skirt, you'll be the fun party girl of the prom.  Look, even the model can't stop laughing.  (WTF am I wearing?  Where's my safari hat?  Ha, ha!  It's all just tooooo funny!)

Or here's a caption from my daughter:  Ahaha! My stylist forgot to spray-tan my hands! Ha! That is so hilarious! Oh! And my crotch is showing! Hahahahahaha!

We all know what she's thinking. "Damn cat.  I had to climb up on this ladder and it still did a number on my dress.   But then I made this fierce face and it went away.  Grrrrr."

And this next one is just wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I don't even care about the dress.  I'm too terrified.

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Now that we've sampled the Animal theme, let's appreciate the Inappropriately Sexed-Up for Prom theme.

Wait....you mean this isn't a stripper pole?  Because I'm ready to work it.

Yes, these are my breasts.  And gentlemen, my eyes are up here.   Of course, all I need to do is give this golden lasso a tug, and my breasts can be winched closer to my eyes.

And I've saved the best for last...

"I have the most perfect and bulbous butt in the world.  It's so perfect that my butt crack can exude glitter.  It's real easy for the glitter to dribble down.  But getting it to spray upward and create a fan effect?  Only a butt like mine could manage that trick.  Please don't try this at home.  I am a professional."